It’s been a long while since my last post on this blog (if you want to check out some riveting posts written for my journalism classes, check out my real life people professional blog) (just kidding don’t it’s incredibly boring.)
Due to the nature of my major I spend a ton of time writing, and it doesn’t leave much time for leisurely writing, but I plan to make more time to continue with regular posts on this blog, reflecting on life is important to me and I really miss sharing my thoughts with fellow human beings on here.
The other day I dug out my journal. Similarly to my blog posts, I have been slacking in the journal department. It’s probably been a good two months since I wrote in my personal journal, but honestly I don’t plan to write in that journal ever again.
Putting away that journal in the back of my drawer feels like putting away a chapter of my life. A chapter that was both good and bad. To me, my personal journal is an outlet for all of the bad things- all of the things I feel but can’t say. I poured all of my negative energy into that journal in order to make space for the happy. For some time it felt like the bad was much more prominent than the good. It was like looking at the world through smudged glasses; I could see the good but only in a distorted way. I knew there was happiness out there, but I felt I couldn’t obtain it; that it wasn’t really meant for me.
Below are a few different things I had written in my journal with what my response would be to that thought today:
- On September 3, 2015 I wrote the following: “I am trying so hard to be enough. If I can’t be enough for myself, how can I be enough for someone else?”
If there’s one thing that is important to remember, it’s that you are always enough. To the people who truly matter- you will be enough. There’s no easy way to learn this or accept this fact. You have to be at peace with the person you are. Bad days do not equal a bad life. Period. Your mistakes and shortcomings are not you. They are not your worth.
- On October 25, 2015 I wrote: “Why must I feel everything so deeply?”
Over the course of the past year, I’ve come to realize that this is nothing but a good thing. If you feel strongly about something- share it with the world. Your emotions don’t make you weak, they make you an incredibly special and unique human. Embrace all of the feelings- the sad, the happy, the angry, all of it. God created feelings for one reason- so they can be felt. Feeling sad some days is ok, as long as that sadness is not all-consuming.
- And lastly, on February 22, 2016, I wrote something that now, reading back, breaks my heart. I said: “My sadness leaves me being someone I’m not. I am not Hannah. I am sad.”
Now, I am not sad. I am not my sadness. I am not dragged down, consumed, and engulfed by the bad. Sure, some days I feel sad. I curl up in bed and I listen to music and I just lay. Life can suck and bad things happen. A lot. But the difference between feeling sad and being sad is your ability to recognize it as just that. A feeling. Now I am not sad. I am Hannah.
Through work experiences and through pursuing a life where I was true to myself, I found inner peace. I was living a life where everything I did was followed by this dark cloud that cast a shadow over my every move. Deep down I felt that I wasn’t worthy of happiness.
Now, it is hard to remember the last time I woke up and didn’t view my day positively. Every day is a new opportunity to experience the beauty that exists in the world around us (it’s clique but true.)
I noticed a difference in my life the day I made a promise to myself to be purely myself. I began sharing my poetry and innermost thoughts with the world; I started writing more and shamelessly presenting myself as the person I am.
I found a job that I loved, and it gave my life a true sense of meaning. It changed my outlook on life and they way I see everything. I can’t explain how or why, I just know the person I was at the end of August was completely different than the person I was when I started working at Change Inc. at the end of May.
I’m not sure exactly what possessed me to share all of this with the world; I guess my shifting view on not only my life but myself is worthy of at least one post. Self love is something I constantly preach, it is the one thing that I wish I could help everyone in this world achieve. The day I realized that I was someone who told others they should love, accept, and embrace who they are yet I couldn’t do it myself was they day I realized that things needed to change.
So is this post incredibly personal? Yeah, it is. But it’s proof that things do get better. They do. If you’re struggling tell someone and reach out. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are not defined by the sadness that you may feel.
If you feel strongly about something, share it with the world. If you’re proud of something you did, tell someone. If you appreciate the actions of others, let them know.
In a world that constantly projects an ideal view of “beauty” and “perfection” on everyone who lives in it, be bold and unapologetically you.
Pursue happiness, although not always easy to obtain, it is always worth it in the end. ♥